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Sinning Against My Body

I am so tired of being overweight. It’s starting to affect how I interact with my family. Like, for instance, I don’t even want to move all of this…around! I know I can do better. It’s not fair to them and I’m not living up to my fullest potential.

I had a conversation with my sister last night and she said, “There are other ways to sin against your body besides drugs and alcohol.” Of course she said that while I was chowing down on a hot dog with all different kinds of chocolaty goodies. She is right. I was sinning against my body.

Food is so hard to give up. Harder than I ever thought it would be. This is going to be one of the toughest things I’ve ever done in my life but I’m ready. I can’t wait until I start my cross fit exercises. My goal is to be as fit as I can possibly be. I’m going to get there.

The Mountain

I’m really nervous about this weight loss challenge. I want to do it perfectly because I’ve screwed up so many times in the past or just basically given up. I won’t give up this time. I weighed myself today and even though I thought I had lost weight…well, I did not. I gained weight, coming in at 208 pounds. Yeesh! That’s my starting point.

I was thinking today about how losing weight seems almost impossible. Like some kind of mountain I can’t get over. Or like I’m carrying way too much on my back to ever scale a mountain so big as controlling my eating. But then I thought, what is the “mountain”? Is the mountain my eating or is the mountain actually my mindset as to why I eat the way I do. I have to eat every day so it seems impossible to ever overcome my love affair with large amounts of food. However, when I think of the “why” behind my extra eating, it becomes much more manageable and the “mountain” doesn’t seem to be such a large, unscalable monster, looming over me. It’s control over me is broken.

I have already sent my measurements to the group leader and now I need to list three goals that I want to work on as well. They can be anything that is important to me. I’ve decided that my goals are:

Get all points for following food list during challenge.
Work towards the completion of an art piece every day.
Put my all into my workouts.

Those are perfect goals.

January 10, 2017 0

These last few days after the holidays has been a bit brutal. I’ve had to deal with my daughter throwing up in bed at 1:30 in the morning and then not wanting to go to bed until 3:30a.m. She keeps waking up at night for some reason and not wanting to go back to sleep. Next, we went to the pediatrician to make sure she didn’t have an ear infection. I know we are both dog tired. All of those stresses, combined with family drama just make me want to EAT! Hot, salty, fatty, fried, delicious comfort foods that tell me, “Hey, girl! Everything’s gonna be all right.”

There is a Sonic on the way home from the pediatrician’s office and since I’m trying to be self-aware about how I feel when and why I want to eat I heard my mind say, “I deserve it. I’ve been so stressed out and we’re both so tired and wouldn’t some cheddar bites and popcorn chicken combined with a shake be a nice little reward for all the hard I’ve done?” It’s also the ritual of sitting down to eat that stuff, but I’ll talk about that another time. I had to convince myself to go ahead and get it. I could feel my resolve slipping away because it’s very hard to tell myself “no”. And like I’ve said to myself a thousand times before, “This will be the last time.”

I used to think that giving myself, a “last time” would give me more enthusiasm to give it up and really focus on taking better care of myself, but, really, it does just the opposite of that. I have to deal with the feeling of going numb in order to stuff myself with those fatty foods, then totally stuffed, I have to deal with either the guilt of knowing that I failed again or lie to myself and say, “Well, I’m glad I’ll never feel like this again,” After I had eaten everything I got from Sonic I took a nap and woke up with the sickest food hangover I’ve ever felt.

Telling myself, “this is the last time” is garbage. It won’t be the last time as long as I do that. It lowers my resolve because of the feelings of losing the battle and giving in because of a lack of delayed gratification.

Use It to My Advantage

Being called “fat” is something that I, personally, have had to deal with a lot when I was younger. I used to have the mindset of thinking that one day I would be skinny so that everyone would find me acceptable and would no longer hate me and be mean to me.

The truth is those people that said those things to me weren’t worth my time in the first place. They were desperate and immature; looking for the easiest, most convenient way of trying to make me feel bad about myself and insult my humanity. No better than beasts looking for the sickest, weakest prey in the herd.

Cutting to the chase, I know now that my weight will never be the issue. It will be me and how I look at myself. I need to take care of myself. My destiny is to fill my space on this earth as the baddest bitch in my league. I won’t get knocked down and let those evil, weak people chip away at my humanity ever again. I will take care of myself because it’s what I want and need to do. I will not live with limits on myself anymore.

December 29, 2016 0